Back in 2007, one lone smoker chucked their stompie out of their car window and sparked a devastating fire on Table Mountain. 13 years later we have this unknown person (who knows who they are) to thank for what now exists as the Stompie Hotline.* I’m not kidding, friend, there is a hotline for piemping on people who throw their stompies out their car window. And in honour of this need to police this specific environmental faux pas, I’ve brainstormed a few other debatably useful/necessary hotlines for policing shitty mense‘s behaviour and more. Some are totally viable, some not at all- but humour me.
1. Two Straws Toll Line
We can all agree that one straw is a straw too much by now, just as we can all agree that throwing stompies out your window is so 2007. But two straws for your pina colada, sir, are you sure you need that? Oh you are. Okay then. Covertly dials 081- NO- YOU- FUCKING-DONT.
2. No Tip Wonder WhatsApp Group
Simply send a photo and description of the person and situation in question to this WhatsApp group of waiters, Uber eats, delivery people, petrol attendants and co. Group description: If you can’t afford to tip when order, eat or get gas then you can’t afford to do it. Tx, please don’t come again.
3. Line Hopper Hotline
Yes we know you think your time is not more important than ours, or that your day was shittier, or that you just don’t really want to wait in line with the rest of us. We get it, because we feel *the same* but we’re standing in line too. You’re going on the list of queue skipping offenders, m8.
4. Creepy Club Guy Squad
He’s not doing anyone harm he’s just… staring. When you turn around, he’s there. Staring. Again. It’s not harassment, it’s not okay either. Here’s a solution: report the guy to the CCGS along with your location, and they will promptly send a group of other guys to follow him and stare at him for the rest of the night. How’d you like them apples m8?
5. The INARB (I’m Not a Racist But) Report Center
We all know that INARB is a gateway statement to saying something really racist. Promptly tune out the rest of the sentence and call the report line, where one of the friendly reps will use their universal remote to mute the offender for the next hour and/or reverse time so that you could avoid the conversation entirely.
Lol. IF ONLY.
6. HIDUA (Help I Don’t Understand Anything) Hotline
I don’t know, man, this would just be useful in general I think. I’d ask questions like ‘What is the correct time to arrive at an agreed destination in Cape Town ? Is it the agreed time, 15 minutes late or 2 hours later??’ or ‘Why do people who call you not pick up when you miss their call and call them back 2 minutes later, ma’am? Did they die or is this a game? ARE THEY PLAYING HARD TO GET. Why is my dentist playing hard to get with me?’, or ‘who actually calls the Stompie Hotline? I don’t understand, sir. Do they have it on speed dial? Should I have it on speed dial? Am I an asshole because I don’t?’
You know, just things I’d like to know…
PS: I worked incredibly hard not to insert ‘no butts about it’ in this piece and I’d just like you to know that I clearly failed.
*STOMPIE HOTLINE: 021 424 7715 (24 hours per day)